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Why You Should Stop Trying to Fix Other People's Problems

10/29/2018

 
by Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC
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A friend you've known for years comes to you for help. They are desperate, emotional, and ask you to intervene. Maybe it's a problem with their partner, a habit they are trying to kick, or a struggle with anxiety or depression. You care about your friend, so of course you want to help. But before you jump in, it might be time to step on the brakes.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to support your friend, but make sure you don't get in over your head. There is a difference between helping your friend versus taking on their problem. This is hard especially for empathetic people. We want to pitch in and help out. Yet it creates more problems if we don't approach it the right way.

Aren't We Supposed to Help Others?
Those I work with in counseling will point to the Bible, mentioning that we should help other people. This is true—we are supposed to care about others and help them, but only when they cannot help themselves. The Bible not only stresses the importance of helping others, but also emphasizes the importance of taking personal responsibility. According to the words of the Apostle Paul:

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load" (Galatians 6:1-5, NIV).

What is Paul saying here? He encourages the Galatians to "carry each others's burdens" but also that "each one should carry their own load." How is this possible? Aren't they the same thing? Not necessarily. In their book, Boundaries, Henry Cloud and John Townsend shed some light on the difference between a load and a burden:

"The Greek word for burden means 'excess burdens,' or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down. These burdens are like boulders. They can crush us. We shouldn’t be expected to carry a boulder by ourselves! It would break our backs. We need help with the boulders — those times of crisis and tragedy in our lives. In contrast, the Greek word for load means 'cargo,' or 'the burden of daily toil.' This word describes the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry. We are expected to carry our own" (Cloud & Townsend, 2017).

We can help and be supportive, but we are not called to fix other people's problems or take responsibility for them. Paul is emphasizing the need for love and personal responsibility. In order to learn how to do this, let's dive deeper and explore this from the world of family systems theory.

Don't Get Triangled!
One of the most impactful books on relationships in the field of pastoral counseling is Generation to Generation by Edwin Friedman. In the book, Friedman describes what is known as an emotional triangle. According to Friedman:

“The basic law of emotional triangles is that when any two parts of a system [this could be a family, a work environment, or a circle of friends] become uncomfortable with one another, they will ‘triangle in’ or focus upon a third person, or issue, as a way of stabilizing their own relationship with one another” (Friedman, 1985).

Often, a third person is pulled into a triangle when two people in a relationship are in conflict with one another. To stabilize the relationship, another person is asked to help or may even be pulled into the situation by one or both people in the relationship. Sometimes the third person may intervene or “triangle” themselves into the unstable relationship out of desire to help.

​An example of an emotional triangle would be: 1) An adult man who is estranged from his adult brother 2) The brother 3) The parent who is asked to intervene or communicate on behalf of both.  A part of an emotional triangle can also be a problem, such as an addictive habit or dysfunction. An example of a triangle involving a problem would be: 1) A person struggling with substance abuse 2) The substance abuse itself 3) An enabling partner. Let's take a look at this visually:
emotional-triangle
Here you see the relationship between you and your friend indicated by a straight line. Your friend's struggling relationship with the other person (or problem) is represented by a jagged line. Notice that a broken line connects the third side of the triangle. Why? This is to indicate that there typically exists no control or real influence between you and the other person's relationship or problem.

When any relationship is stuck, it is likely because a third person or issue has been interjected into the relationship. If you are the third wheel being introduced, the fact of the matter is that you have very little control over the outcome. If you try to fix the problem, you will only absorb the anxiety and stress from the whole situation. Sometimes, interfering can even produce the opposite effect. Attempting to reconcile two sparring partners may make them more distant or hostile. 

​So what's the takeaway? Don't get triangled! Don't allow yourself to be put in the middle of the situation. So how can you help your friend who comes to you for support? Let's talk about a few healthy and more effective ways to influence change.

5 Effective Ways to be Supportive
1. Improve your relationship with both sides--Friedman notes that “We can only change the relationship to which we belong. Therefore, the way to bring change to the relationship of two others (and no one said it is easy) is to try to maintain a well-defined relationship with each, and to avoid the responsibility for their relationship with one another” (Friedman, 1985). Seek to be mature and get along with both sides. This might mean giving the benefit of the doubt to both persons in a conflicted relationship. If it concerns a friend struggling with addiction, work on your relationship with your friend and also work on your relationship with addiction itself—that is, learn more about addiction and how it works so you are more educated on how to respond.

2. Focus on the person, not the problem—Rather than getting caught up in solving the problem, encourage your friend's ability to take responsibility for it on their own. When the conversation drifts toward venting about the other person or problem, bring the focus of the discussion back to your friend. Ask how they are feeling and what's going on inside.

3. Ask questions,  don't give answers—If your friend is insistent on talking about the problem, don't offer any solutions. Simply ask questions about how they plan to tackle the issue. This encourages them to strategize on their own rather than depending on you to solve their problem.

4. Be kind, but firm—Set boundaries with your friend as needed. If they keep calling or texting you, let them gently know that you aren't always available. Suggest other sources of support. Consider referring them to a local Christian counselor who specializes in the issue they are facing. 

5. Remain self differentiated—Take care of yourself and acknowledge that this is not your problem—thankfully! Remain grounded, present, and non-anxious while still remaining connected as appropriate. Encourage them to seek God for wisdom. Offer to pray for them instead of being the only one they vent to. Besides, God wants us to talk to Him. May this be the situation that draws them closer to Him. 

Works Cited

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About the Author

​Tres Adames is the Director of Prism Counseling and is a Master's-Level Board Certified Pastoral Counselor. He works with teens, adults, and those struggling with emotional, relational, sexual, and spiritual issues. He also specializes in working with those struggling with their sexuality and faith.

  • Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017) Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
  • Friedman, Edwin H. (1985) Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue. New York, NY: Guiliford Press.

3 Practical Ways to Relieve Stress Right Now

7/12/2018

 
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Being a workaholic is one of the few addictions openly accepted (and even encouraged) by our culture. If you're feeling pressured, and it's having a negative impact on you emotionally, it might be time to step back and reevaluate your priorities. Here are some practical stategies you can implement in your life so you can find relief:

1. Schedule regular down time.
Work is meant to be performed in rhythm with rest. Just as your body needs rest to recover each day, your emotional and relational life needs downtime as well. While the Sabbath is not rigorously prescribed in the New Testament, its principle and benefit still apply. According to Jesus:

"The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath" (Mark 2:27). 

It is to your benefit that you find time to rest. Being obsessed with success and overworking in one area of your life will take away success from other areas of your life. Look over your calendar and set aside a whole day where you can rest and relax. Don't check your email and don't make business calls that day.

During the rest of the week, also set aside a few hours at the end of each day where you can recharge. Don't fill your downtime with watching television or browsing the net. Rekindle a hobby you were passionate about as a child, or discover a new one. Set aside time to read your bible, pray, meditate, and reflect. 

2. Uncommit yourself.
But what if you don't have the time to schedule a day off or have extra time to recharge? Well maybe it's time to look over your calendar and let go of certain commitments that have been filling up your schedule. I always suggest trying to come up up with five things you can delete from your weekly agenda. A good place to start is identifying commitments that are strictly voluntary and aren't required. Maybe it's too many church volunteer opportunities, or an extra work project you've taken on. I've attached a worksheet at the end of this article that can help you journal your thoughts and process any emotions that may hinder you from letting go. 

3. Set boundaries.
Stress doesn't just emerge from the amount of activiy one is doing, but also from getting entangled in other people's problems. Be careful when other people come to you to discuss their personal or work issues. While it's feels admirable to be supportive, the best thing you can do is encourage the person in their own ability to handle the problem. In Scripture, the Apostle Paul tells the Galatians to "carry each other's burdens" (6:2) but also that "each one should carry their own load" (6:5). There has to be a balance where you are willing to listen and help others, but also encourage them to own their personal issues—without taking responsibility for problems that are not your own. 

Investigate your life to see if there are other people who are leaning on you too much and are draining your emotional resources. Learn to set boundaries and don't be afraid to say "no," even when it's hard. In every decision, you have to say "no" to one thing in order to say "yes" to another. Do what is best for you, your family, and your relationship with God before taking on the world. 

Below is a printable worksheet, what I call an "Uncommitment Form" that guides you through the process of letting go of unnecessary commitments so you can be more successful in other areas of your life: 
Uncommitment Form
File Size: 49 kb
File Type: pdf
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Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC provides Christian counseling in Peoria, Arizona for adults, teens, couples, and families. He specializes in helping those struggling with depression, anxiety, self-esteem, anger, addiction, codependency, and relationship issues. If you would like to contact Tres or set up an appointment, visit his contact page.

Narcissism from a Christian Perspective

2/10/2018

 
Christian Narcissist
With the current discussion in our culture around victims of abuse, the topic of narcissism has become a trending topic in newspapers, magazines, videos, and online resources. In response, we have created this free 5-day email course that features our best resources on this topic from a Christian perspective. This short course includes articles as well as a total of 1 hour and 20 minutes of audio and video teaching.
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    FREE 5-Day Course on Narcissism
    ​from a Christian Perspective

    Enter your email below and over the course of the next five days we will send you free resources on how to understand narcissism from a biblical perspective and how to find healing for yourself if you are in a relationship with someone showing narcissistic behavior.
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Practical Strategies for Dealing with Anxiety

10/12/2017

 
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This is a guest post by Mallory Pickering, a friend and fellow seminary alumnus of our director, Tres Adames. Mallory is currently serving as a hospice chaplain and bereavement coordinator in Flowood, Mississippi.

Sometimes we feel anxious because we don’t see an end in sight to everyday demands. We experience stress because we aren’t sure how we will manage. It can be difficult to admit the fear of not being able to cope with the demands of life, much less take steps to address the anxiety. As anxiety is part of the human experience, these things are not meant to be cures, but tools.

1. Slow Down

Think about the physiological and psychological impact of anxiety. The heart speeds up, the head races. We imagine negative situations and scan our brains to find possible ways to solve those worst-case scenarios in advance. We long to step into the future and exert the control needed to protect ourselves from pain or discomfort. We feel rushed to solve more and accomplish more.

We think about getting through the next task and the next. We think anxiety will be relieved by achieving more—and sometimes it is. But not for the long-term. As counter-intuitive as it may seem, applying the brakes can be helpful when anxiety takes over. Slowing down is a way to reclaim your life and acknowledge your limits in a healthy way. When you’re anxious, take a breather. Put on the brakes and lean in.
​

“You should sit in nature 20 minutes every day. Unless you are busy; then, you should sit for an hour.”--Zen saying

2. Grounding

One way to slow down is through a practice called “grounding.” The idea is to root yourself once again to the present time and place so that your preoccupation with the future diminishes. A helpful grounding technique is to awaken your senses one at a time.

Press the pause button on your worry, and take a look around the room. 
What do you see? Close your eyes for a moment and focus your attention on the sounds around you. What do you hear? Now with your eyes remaining closed, focus on how your clothes feel against your body or on the temperature of the room. Have a peppermint and focus on its strong taste and smell. By reconnecting with your sensory experience of the world, you become aware of what’s actually happening and the “what-ifs” fade to the background

3. Thought Stopping Technique

“Oh gosh. What if I don’t get [insert task] done?” “What if [insert person] doesn’t like me?” “What if nuclear war breaks out?” Nope. Cut it out. “What-if” questions are major time-wasters and stress-adders. Most of what we worry about doesn’t actually come to pass, and the mental energy we spend on worry could be better used in doing good to others and to ourselves.

​Tune in to your own internal dialogue. You will probably be surprised with how much of your thinking has to do with possibilities (and often negative ones) instead of concrete realities. When you practice stopping thoughts that contain negative possibilities, you’ll rob fear of its power. Learning to deal with what is right in front of you is your best chance at combatting anxiety.

4. The Next Right Thing

This has personally been one of the most helpful things for me when I’m experiencing overload. Instead of thinking about how to grapple with a hugely overwhelming situation or a major life change, ask yourself what to do next. What will you do with the next hour you are afforded? Make a list and a follow it. That way you are doing something productive to affect positive outcomes within the scope of power you do have. 

“Just do the next right thing, one thing at a time. That'll take you all the way Home.” -Glennon Doyle

5. Sabbath

Jesus said, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27) The Sabbath is a gift, and it’s one we need to reclaim, not in a legalistic way, but for the benefit of our human bodies, minds, and spirits. I try to make Sunday a day of rest and worship. Believe me, between the actual demands of life and our own self-created plans, the to-do list will never end on its own. We have to actively set aside time in our lives to recharge.

​Real rest is not about vegging out in front of the television. Sometimes we DO need something mindless to give ourselves a small break, but true Sabbath is about doing what gives you life. A good Sabbath may involve cooking or baking, writing or painting, getting outside, playing with your kids, and yes, a good Sunday nap. Also, taking a Sabbath rest doesn’t have to occur on a Sunday or Saturday. It’s not about the day of the week; it’s about carving out time for regenerative activities and self-care. Treat yourself to a mini-Sabbath every day if you can. We need margin and play in our busy lives.

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Mallory is a mother to a 4-year-old boy, a chaplain/bereavement coordinator at Kare-In-Home Hospice in Flowood, Mississippi, and the music director at First United Methodist in Ridgeland, Mississippi. She enjoys reading, writing, and spending time in nature. Read more of her writing through her newsletter, The Life Abundant: Tales from a Hospice Chaplain​.
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