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Responding to Those Deconstructing

6/14/2022

by Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

How pastors, families, and churches can be there for those who are deconstructing

In the summer of last year, well-known evangelical pastor, David Jeremiah, declared that those leaving evangelicalism (termed "Exvangelicals") could be an indication of the beginning of the end times. While this was merely speculative, and might have intended to help current believers feel better about what they were seeing, this approach does little to build empathy with those who have already felt hurt by the church. The posture of a Christian (especially pastors) should be one of compassion and understanding, not othering (especially demonizing) those who think differently than we do. It also seems counter to the evangelical message itself. We should pursue and love others, especially when they have genuine questions around God, faith, and their purpose and direction in life.

As a pastoral counselor, I have been working for several years with clients who have deconstructed their faith. I have personally deconstructed and reconstructed my theology many times, so the process doesn't scare me — I'm ready to go there with clients. Meanwhile, I know that many churches and pastors are trying to figure out how to respond to those in their congregations undergoing deconstruction. They don't want to demonize other people, but have a real heart for those who are hurting and seeking answers. From my own experience, here are a few things to understand and consider if you are working with someone who is deconstructing:

Listen to the podcast version of this article:

**Many people who are experiencing a deconstruction of their faith don't even want to deconstruct.**

1. Many people who are experiencing a deconstruction of their faith don't even want to deconstruct. Questioning one's faith can be an emotionally exhaustive process that may lead a person to a place where they feel like they may lose their church, their family, and their friends. There's a lot on the line so try to be sensitive to this. Many have previously been ardent believers, faithful givers, and actively involved in their local church.

2. If someone is honest with you about their doubts, view it as an act of bravery.
Many people who are deconstructing are afraid of being rejected by people who have been close to them for years. Many are afraid of simply being labeled a "backslider." Even if they don't experience this reaction, they still may not be completely comfortable with spiritual conversations if they feel like they might be misunderstood. Try to listen more than you speak.

3. Understand that people land in different places.
Not everyone who deconstructs gives up on faith altogether. Some change churches or denominations. Others might even opt to stay in their current community but adjust their personal beliefs. Others choose to identify as "spiritual-but-not-religious." Some might choose to become agnostic or even atheist, but others might not choose a label at all. Spirituality is a process, so it's important not to judge someone in the middle of their unfolding story.

Spirituality is a process, so it's important not to judge someone in the middle of their unfolding story.

4. Don't push them into reconstruction.
While deconstruction can be a precursor toward the reconstruction of a deeper, more vibrant faith, the process is so incredibly unique to each person. It's tempting to suggest that they should "still focus on Jesus" or not "throw out the baby with the bath water," but some people may need to go through a season where they step away from faith altogether, especially if they have trauma around religion or if they experienced abuse in the church. Such tragedy can deeply affect a person's perception and experience of God, so they may need to distance themselves so they can disentangle and heal.

Even if you are concerned that the person is going down the wrong path, remember that it's the Holy Spirit who saves, not you.

5. Love no matter what.
Seek to fulfill Jesus' second greatest commandment — if you love God, love others. Many approaches to evangelism focus on using relationships to lead people to Christ. Yet, it's important to realize that this is a completely different situation. Don't just use the relationship to evangelize. Many of those who are deconstructing understand the gospel quite well and can articulate it by heart. Besides, no one wants to just be someone else's "project." We all desire to have authentic connection and validation by others. Simply love and let go of the outcome. Even if you are concerned that the person is going down the wrong path, remember that it's the Holy Spirit who saves, not you. Your only call is to love and be Christ to other people.

6. Do your own introspection as a leader and as a church.
None of this means that you have to deconstruct yourself. If it's distressing to talk to someone who is deconstructing, it might be time to work on yourself. Asking yourself (and your church) some hard questions can be incredibly valuable. I've listed some ideas below. These questions are less about finding concrete answers and more about what you discover as a result of having these conversations:

Is it possible for someone to be a part of our church who holds differing beliefs than that of the official doctrines of our church and/or denomination? Is so, how? If not, why?
How can our church be a place where people can wrestle with authentic spiritual questions and raw emotions without facing negative consequences (such being viewed with suspicion, treated differently, or even asked to leave)?
If spirituality is a process, what does that mean? What does it look like?
How has my own faith changed during the past 5 years? 10 years? What challenges have I faced that rocked my faith? What did I learn and how did I process through that?
Who can I go to when I have my own questions (or even doubts) about my faith? Do I feel safe asking those questions with certain people? Are there some people I don't feel safe having those conversations with?
Does someone else's deconstruction threaten my own faith? If so, why does it bother me so much?
Can I be someone's friend without turning them into a "project" to fix, but genuinely be their friend regardless of what they end up believing? What makes it hard for me?
Do other people who love me disagree with some things that I believe? Is that okay?

About Tres Adames

Rev. Tres Adames is a Board Certified Pastoral Counselor and provides resources on the subject of deconstruction in the following areas:

Counseling for those experiencing deconstruction, as well as a host of other spiritual, relational, and emotional issues.
Consulting for pastors and therapists who are working with individuals and families going through deconstruction.
Teaching an online course for counselors and therapists on helping clients navigate faith transition professionally and ethically.

New Course on Deconstruction for Counselors and Therapists

We have recently created a new course (primarily for counselors and pastors) on this important topic. This new training supports and upholds the personal faith and perspective of the faith-based counselor, but offers insight for working with people who hold beliefs different from your own. This course is meant to help people who are deconstructing receive care that is person-centered, ethical, sensitive, and trauma-informed.

Learn More

When Prayer Doesn't Work

4/25/2021

by Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Have you ever asked God for something but didn’t receive it? If we are honest, we all have. Yet prayer is not something similar to wishing on a star. There is nothing inherently wrong with asking God for things — sometimes we do get what we ask for. But a lot of times we don’t. It's heartbreaking when it’s something huge, like praying for healing from a serious illness or praying for some type of suffering to end.

As a pastoral counselor, I try to get people to connect with their spiritual resources, that is, practices and activities that can help them grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. A lot of people are hesitant about prayer. Some feel guilty that they don’t do it enough. Some have been let down by its results. What does it mean that “prayer changes things?” Also, what does it not mean? In this article, I will be sharing some insights on understanding the purpose of prayer and how to more deeply utilize prayer in your own faith journey.

What Prayer Doesn't Do

Prayer isn't about manipulating God. We aren’t trying to twist God's arm. Yes, God can do anything, but that doesn’t mean that God does anything we ask. There are a lot of reasons why prayers go unanswered. Some say God knows what is better. There’s even a song by Garth Brooks called “Unanswered Prayers.” Some of the lyrics go:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Sometimes, good things result from not getting what we want. This is a popular theme in movies. The main character doesn’t always get what they want (or have even been fighting for), but end up discovering what they need all along. Some say God does answer each of our prayers, but not according to what we know, but according to what He alone knows.

There are a lot of resources on prayer that emphasize that it works. Some resources even give techniques and tips on how prayer can be more effective. Some say you need to have enough faith or believe your prayer is answered before it happens, then you will manifest it! However, this doesn’t reflect my own experiences. My family and I have prayed many times for things that have not happened, such as praying for the healing of family members who later died of cancer. What do you do with that? Did we not have enough faith? Some would say yes. But I don’t agree with that.

Sometimes prayer doesn't work the way we want it to. Often, our circumstances don't change—in fact, they may get worse.

The fact of the matter is, sometimes prayer doesn't work the way we want it to. Often, our circumstances don’t change—in fact, they may get worse. I have a lot of clients who don’t practice prayer for this exact reason. If their prayers worked the way they wanted, they probably wouldn’t be sitting in front of a counselor!

I do believe in miracles, and we see in scripture where God does miraculous things in response to prayer. I think that still does happen, but it all depends on the will of God. However, I feel like we are missing out on what prayer has to offer — on what God really has to offer — if we only focus on supplication, that is, asking God for things to change.

Spiritual Bypassing
One of the things I do as a pastoral counselor is train other pastors and lay leaders in the areas of pastoral care and mental health first aid. I’ve had the chance to help develop a special curriculum through my association (ACPE) called the Pastoral Care Specialist training program. One of the principles we discuss, is that of spiritual bypassing. What is spiritual bypassing? According to an article by Kendra Cherry:

“Spiritual bypassing describes a tendency to use spiritual explanations to avoid complex psychological issues. The term was first coined during the early 1980s by a transpersonal psychotherapist named John Welwood… According to Welwood, spiritual bypassing can be defined as a ‘tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.’”

So what does that mean? It’s when we try and use our faith to escape reality, to avoid responsibility, or to avoid facts that we don’t want to face. What are examples of this? If you say or hear these phrases, they might be examples of spiritual bypassing:

"Everything happens for a reason."
“Don’t be sad, they are in a better place.”
"It was for the best."
"It was a blessing in disguise."
“Thoughts and prayers!”

Spiritual bypassing attempts to bypass what really needs to be addressed. People use their faith to hide. They repress their genuine emotions or even the emotions of other people. They don’t allow others to really grieve and process what is going on in their heart.

Prayer is not meant to help us escape reality — prayer is meant to equip us and enable us to fully engage with reality.

People can even use prayer to spiritually bypass. They pray for big results from God while not allowing God to work within and through them. They avoid their own responsibility in the matter and pass the buck on to God. Here’s the thing: prayer is not meant to help us escape reality — prayer is meant to equip us and enable us to fully engage with reality

What Prayers Does

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” — James 1:5

Here James says to use prayer to ask God for wisdom. Why wisdom? So we know what to do. The Epistle of James has a lot of practical wisdom in it. Throughout, the writer is advocating for more than just words, faith, and hoping for the best. He is challenging the reader to ask God for wisdom then do what it takes to carry it out. There’s a saying that is often attributed to St. Ignatius (though it’s doubtful that he said these exact words), but it states: “Pray as if it’s all up to God and work as if it’s all up to you."

Prayer Changes Us Individually
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God. It changes me.” — C.S. Lewis

Prayer imparts wisdom, peace, and strength to do what we need to do. It helps us endure difficult times. But doesn’t God already know what we need? Yes. It reminds me of a scene from The Chronicles of Narnia. Author and Conference Speaker, Christin Ditchfield describes it this way:

“In C.S. Lewis’s novel The Magician’s Nephew – the prequel to The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe – the Great Lion Aslan sends Polly and Digory and their flying horse Fledge off on an important quest across the land of Narnia. But when night falls and they still haven’t reached their destination, the children grow hungry – and realize they have nothing to eat. “Polly and Digory stared at each other in dismay. ‘Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,’ said Digory. ‘I’m sure Aslan would have, if you’d asked him,’ said Fledge. ‘Wouldn’t he know without being asked?’ said Polly. ‘I’ve no doubt he would,’ said the Horse, (still with his mouth full [of grass]). ‘But I’ve a sort of idea he likes to be asked.’”

Ditchfield goes on to remind us that: “In Matthew 6:8, Jesus assured His disciples, ‘Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.” But then He went on to give them instructions on how to pray.’” Yes, God knows everything we need, but He still wants to talk with us because He loves us.

Prayer Changes Us Corporately
Prayer not only connects us with God, it connects us with one another. With the growth of social media, talk about prayer has also increased online, to the point that Facebook is currently testing a new prayer feature:

"A Facebook spokesperson confirmed to Religion News Service that the social media platform currently is testing the prayer post feature. The idea for prayer posts grew out of the myriad of ways users have connected over Facebook while distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic, according to the spokesperson.“Our mission to give people the power to build community extends to the world’s largest community — the faith community,” said Nona Jones, head of Global Faith Partnerships at Facebook."

Intercessory prayer (which is praying for others), helps us build empathy for other people. It helps us get out of our own head, our own problems, and connects us with others. Intercessory prayer helps us see the bigger picture. It helps us realize we are all connected and that we aren’t alone. However, we want intercessory prayer to be more than just giving our “thoughts and prayers” when disaster occurs (that would be spiritual bypassing).

What does this look like? If it’s a friend we are praying for, maybe it’s offering to bring over a meal or setting aside time to allow them to talk to us over coffee to share what’s on their heart. If it’s a bigger event we are praying about, like praying during the aftermath of a mass shooting or a big issue like the fight for racial equality, it means praying with our feet and not just on our knees. It means getting involved in change in a very real way.

Prayer is more than asking for things. It’s more than asking God to change our circumstance. It’s not meant to disengage us from reality, but calls us to actually engage with reality. Yes, prayer changes things, but it primarily changes us. Connecting with God and others through prayer gives us the inner strength, resolve, and inspiration needed to bring about change and God’s will in the world.

Yes, prayer changes things, but it primarily changes us. Connecting with God and others through prayer gives us the inner strength, resolve, and inspiration needed to bring about change and God’s will in the world.

Developing a Richer Prayer Life

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:6-7

Rather than worrying, Paul says to share your problems with God. My grandmother taught Sunday School and Children’s Church for over 50 years. She not only taught children stories from the Bible, but also taught them to pray. She would always ask for prayer requests from the kids, and always made a point to say that: “If it’s important to you, then it’s important to God.”

That always stuck with me — because it’s true. It’s easy to view God as distant and detached when the opposite is true. God is here with us, within us, and cares deeply about us. 1 Peter 5:7 says: "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

Be Honest When You Pray
I encourage clients to be raw, real, and authentic with God. Tell God how upset you are — be angry — God can take it. Need proof? Look at the Psalms. They are full of prayers that aren’t nice, neat, and polished. They include the full range of emotions. Some psalms are filled with sorrow (which we call lamentations). Other psalms are angry at God and demand Him to do something. There is no sinful emotion. God accepts all of it.

Write Your Prayers
I encourage people to write their prayers out — to journal all that they are feeling. Some describe wrestling with God through the process. James Pennebaker, a social psychologist and researcher, pioneered what is known as the expressive writing method, which is an intervention that has shown to improve the mental and emotional health of participants. The research done by Pennebaker has shown that writing about one's own story can help with coping and processing memories. This simple exercise can definitely be combined with prayer journaling.

Pray with Thanksgiving
In this passage, Paul says: “In every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” So, when you pray, don’t just ask for what you need, take time to be thankful for what you do have. Why? Reminding ourselves of how God has been faithful in the past helps us trust Him in the present. John Wesley, the founder of Methodism said: “Thanksgiving is inseparable from true prayer; it is almost essentially connected with it.” Taking time to be conscious of what one has — to show gratitude — has been shown in various studies to increase overall happiness.

Pray for Others and with Others
Take time to pray for other people — really do it. Just scan through Facebook and I bet you’ll see at least one of your friends asking for prayer. Commit to praying for them and their situation. Also follow up with them. You’ll be surprised at how much it might help you move past your own anxiety by consciously attending to someone else’s needs.

Finally, pray with other people. There’s something incredibly intimate about praying with your loved ones. Especially when people are being real with one another and pray with each other.
There’s incredible power when you feel other people praying for you — so give that gift to others.

Prayer is more than just asking for what we need. God knows what we need, but he still wants us to talk to Him. Prayer is not about avoiding responsibility and it doesn’t help us escape reality. Prayer helps us engage with reality, to cope, and to endure — to grow in wisdom and find the strength to do the right thing and ultimately fulfill our calling.

Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Tres Adames provides Christian counseling in Phoenix, Arizona for adults, teens, couples, and families. He specializes in helping those struggling with personal and relationship issues. To learn more about Tres and the services he offers, see his profile page.

What is Gaslighting?

1/2/2020

A short explanation of the term

It's important to learn to recognize abuse and manipulation. There's a type of manipulation called gaslighting, a term that comes from a 1944 film called Gaslight,* starting Ingrid Bergman. It's about a woman who is manipulated by her husband into believing that she is going crazy.

We come to find out the husband is actually just using the marriage in order to find something valuable that belongs to her. She believes she's going crazy because what happened in those days was if you turned on a light in one room, it would dim all the other lights throughout the house (because there was only a certain amount of gas that could light the whole house).

As a result, you would know someone else was in the house or in another room, turning on the light, if you saw the lights flicker. And so she noticed that the lights would flicker every night after her husband had gone away somewhere, (supposedly to see friends or whatnot). He was actually rifling through the attic but he convinces her that he is imagining what she is clearly seeing (the gaslight flicker). When in reality, she knows better, but she believes him anyway.

That’s what it means to gaslight somebody — to convince them to deny what they know to be true. Gaslighting from an abuser makes a victim doubt their own instincts and sense of reality.

* The 1944 film is the American version of the original 1940 British film, which in turn is based on the theatrical play. We reference and feature the 1944 film since it is more well-known among American audiences.

What is Your Parenting Style?

12/27/2019

by Brooks Gibson, MEd

Do you know your parenting style? If not, you could be reinforcing behaviors in your children that you don’t like and may want to eliminate.

Developmental psychologists have been interested in how parents influence the development of children’s social, cognitive, and behavioral competence since before the Great Depression. Researchers studying the parent-child relationship have examined the parents' “parenting style” and its effect on children as they grow into adults. Diana Baumrind and others have spent decades studying these relationships and the effect of parenting style on many areas of child development and competency.

Parenting Style Defined

To be sure, there are some specific parental behaviors that can have a definite impact on children, such as disciplining them in anger or rage, spanking, or reading to them every day and teaching them the alphabet and basic math. But to evaluate the impact parents have on childrearing, we must examine the whole relationship parents have with their children across all events over time. How parents interact with their children, respond to their needs, impose expectations, guide and teach them from infancy through adolescence, is all inclusive in determining how parenting styles affect our children’s development.

To evaluate the impact parents have on childrearing, we must examine the whole relationship parents have with their children across all events over time.

Most researchers who attempt to describe this broad parental milieu rely on Diana Baumrind’s concept of parenting style. The construct of parenting style is used to capture normal variations in parents’ attempts to control and socialize their children (Baumrind, 1991). Baumrind’s parenting styles define non-abusive styles and are not intended to include or describe parental behavior that includes abuse or neglect. Parenting style includes parents using two central forces to achieve these goals, referred to as “responsiveness” and “demandingness” (Maccoby & Martin, 1983).

Responsiveness from a parent occurs when the parent is attentive to the child’s special needs, using warmth, support or encouragement. The parent demonstrates a concern for the child’s emotional needs, personal opinions, and their internal well-being.
Demandingness from a parent is focused on the child’s behavior and imposing expectations, discipline, and rules for participation in the family, as well as self-control and dealing with disobedience.

Four Parenting Styles

Categorizing parents according to whether they are high or low on parental demandingness and responsiveness creates a typology of four parenting styles: Indulgent, Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Uninvolved (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Each of these parenting styles reflects different naturally occurring patterns of parental values, practices, and behaviors (Baumrind, 1991) and a distinct balance of responsiveness and demandingness.

Indulgent parents (also referred to as “permissive” or “nondirective”) “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation” (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). Indulgent parents may be further divided into two types: democratic parents, who, though lenient, are more conscientious, engaged, and committed to the child, and nondirective parents.
Authoritarian parents are highly demanding, directive and autocratic, but not responsive. “They are obedience and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). These parents provide well-ordered and structured environments with clearly stated rules. Authoritarian parents can be divided into two types: nonauthoritarian-directive, who are directive, but not intrusive or autocratic in their use of power, and authoritarian-directive, who are highly intrusive and autocratic.
Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. “They monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62).
Uninvolved parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness. In extreme cases, this parenting style might encompass both rejecting–neglecting and neglectful parents, although most parents of this type fall within the normal range. They are often distant and detached in their parenting role.

Because parenting style is a typology, rather than a linear combination of responsiveness and demandingness, each parenting style is more than and different from the sum of its parts (Baumrind, 1991). In addition to differing on responsiveness and demandingness, the parenting styles also differ in the extent to which they are characterized by a third dimension: psychological control.

Psychological control “refers to control attempts that intrude into the psychological and emotional development of the child” (Barber, 1996, p. 3296) through the use of parenting practices such as guilt induction, withdrawal of love, or shaming.

One key difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting is in the dimension of psychological control. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents place high demands on their children and expect their children to behave appropriately and obey parental rules. Authoritarian parents, however, also expect their children to accept their judgments, values, and goals without questioning. In contrast, authoritative parents are more open to give and take with their children and make greater use of explanations.

Thus, although authoritative and authoritarian parents are equally high in behavioral control, authoritative parents tend to be low in psychological control, while authoritarian parents tend to be high. Authoritative parents understand their role to include helping children to develop their own convictions, opinions, and beliefs and test them out while still under their parents' guidance.

Authoritative parents tend to be low in psychological control, while authoritarian parents tend to be high. Authoritative parents understand their role to include helping children to develop their own convictions, opinions, and beliefs and test them out while still under their parents' guidance.

Consequences for Children

Parenting style has been found to predict child wellbeing in the domains of social competence, academic performance, psychosocial development, and problem behavior. Research based on parent interviews, child reports, and parent observations consistently find:

Children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative rate themselves and are rated by objective measures as more socially and instrumentally competent than those whose parents are nonauthoritative (Baumrind, 1991; Weiss & Schwarz, 1996; Miller et al., 1993).
- Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.

In general, parental responsiveness predicts social competence and psychosocial functioning, while parental demandingness is associated with instrumental competence and behavioral control (i.e., academic performance and deviance). These findings indicate:

Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in demandingness, but low in responsiveness) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.
Children and adolescents from indulgent homes (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.

In reviewing the research, children with an authoritative upbringing are associated with both instrumental and social competence and lower levels of problem behavior in both boys and girls at all developmental stages. The benefits of authoritative parenting and the detrimental effects of uninvolved parenting are evident as early as the preschool years and continue throughout adolescence and into early adulthood. Although specific differences can be found in the competence evidenced by each group, the largest differences are found between children whose parents are unengaged and their peers with more involved parents.

The benefits of authoritative parenting and the detrimental effects of uninvolved parenting are evident as early as the preschool years and continue throughout adolescence and into early adulthood.

Differences between children from authoritative homes and their peers are equally consistent, but somewhat smaller (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996). Just as authoritative parents appear to be able to balance their conformity demands with their respect for their children’s individuality, so children from authoritative homes appear to be able to balance the claims of external conformity and achievement demands with their need for individuation and autonomy.

Influence of Sex, Ethnicity, or Family Type

It is important to distinguish between differences in the distribution and the correlates of parenting style in different subpopulations. Although in the United States authoritative parenting is most common among intact, middle-class families of European descent, the relationship between authoritativeness and child outcomes is quite similar across groups.

There are some exceptions to this general statement, however: (1)demandingness appears to be less critical to girls’ than to boys’ well-being (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996), but (2) authoritative parenting predicts good psychosocial outcomes and problem behaviors for adolescents in all ethnic groups studied (African-, Asian-, European-, and Hispanic Americans), but it is associated with academic performance only among European Americans and, to a lesser extent, Hispanic Americans (Steinberg, Dornbusch, & Brown, 1992; Steinberg, Darling, & Fletcher, 1995). Chao (1994) and others (Darling & Steinberg, 1993) have argued that observed ethnic differences in the association of parenting style with child outcomes may be due to differences in social context, parenting practices, or the cultural meaning of specific dimensions of parenting style.

Summary

Parenting style provides a strong indicator of parental functioning that predicts child well-being. Both parental responsiveness and parental demandingness are important components of good parenting. Authoritative parenting, which uses clear, high parental demands with emotional responsiveness and recognition of child autonomy, is one of the most consistent family predictors of competence from early childhood through adolescence.

However, despite the long and robust tradition of research into parenting style, a number of issues remain outstanding. Foremost among these are issues of definition, developmental change in the manifestation and correlates of parenting styles, and the processes underlying the benefits of authoritative parenting (see Schwarz et al., 1985; Darling & Steinberg, 1993; Baumrind, 1991; and Barber, 1996).

Brooks Gibson (1960-2022)

Brooks Gibson was a pastoral counselor who passed away in 2022 and left a long legacy of over 30 years in clinical practice helping children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families.

See Biography

Endnotes

Barber, B. K. (1996). Parental Psychological Control: Revisiting a Neglected Construct. Child Development, 67(6), 3296-3319.
Baumrind, D. (1989). Rearing Competent Children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child Development Today and Tomorrow (pp. 349-378). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Baumrind, D. (1991). The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Competence and Substance Use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Chao, R. K. (1994). Beyond Parental Control and Authoritarian Parenting Style: Understanding Chinese Parenting through the Cultural Notion of Training. Child Development, 65(4), 1111-1119.
Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting Style as Context: An Integrative Model. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3), 487-496.
Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the Context of the Family: Parent-Child Interaction. In P. H. Mussen (Ed.) & E. M. Hetherington (Vol. Ed.), Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4.Socialization, Personality, and Social Development (4th ed., pp. 1-101). New York: Wiley.
Miller, N. B., Cowan, P. A., Cowan, C. P., & Hetherington, E. M. (1993). Externalizing in Preschoolers and Early Adolescents: A Cross-study Replication of a Family Model. Developmental Psychology, 29(1), 3-18.
Schwarz, J. C., Barton-Henry, M. L., & Pruzinsky, T. (1985). Assessing Child-rearing Behaviors: A Comparison of Ratings Made by Mother, Father, Child, and Sibling on the CRPBI. Child Development, 56(2), 462-479.
Steinberg, L., Darling, N., & Fletcher, A. C. (1995). Authoritative Parenting and Adolescent Adjustment: An Ecological Journey. In P. Moen, G. H. Elder, Jr., & K. Luscher (Eds.), Examining Lives in Context: Perspectives on the Ecology of Human Development (pp. 423-466). Washington, DC: American Psychological Assn.
Steinberg, L., Dornbusch, S. M., & Brown, B. B. (1992). Ethnic Differences in Adolescent Achievement: An Ecological Perspective. American Psychologist, 47(6), 723-729.
Weiss, L. H., & Schwarz, J. C. (1996). The Relationship Between Parenting Types and Older Adolescents’ Personality, Academic Achievement, Adjustment, and Substance Use. Child Development, 67(5), 2101-2114.

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