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When Prayer Doesn't Work

4/25/2021

by Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Have you ever asked God for something but didn’t receive it? If we are honest, we all have. Yet prayer is not something similar to wishing on a star. There is nothing inherently wrong with asking God for things — sometimes we do get what we ask for. But a lot of times we don’t. It's heartbreaking when it’s something huge, like praying for healing from a serious illness or praying for some type of suffering to end.

As a pastoral counselor, I try to get people to connect with their spiritual resources, that is, practices and activities that can help them grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. A lot of people are hesitant about prayer. Some feel guilty that they don’t do it enough. Some have been let down by its results. What does it mean that “prayer changes things?” Also, what does it not mean? In this article, I will be sharing some insights on understanding the purpose of prayer and how to more deeply utilize prayer in your own faith journey.

What Prayer Doesn't Do

Prayer isn't about manipulating God. We aren’t trying to twist God's arm. Yes, God can do anything, but that doesn’t mean that God does anything we ask. There are a lot of reasons why prayers go unanswered. Some say God knows what is better. There’s even a song by Garth Brooks called “Unanswered Prayers.” Some of the lyrics go:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

Sometimes, good things result from not getting what we want. This is a popular theme in movies. The main character doesn’t always get what they want (or have even been fighting for), but end up discovering what they need all along. Some say God does answer each of our prayers, but not according to what we know, but according to what He alone knows.

There are a lot of resources on prayer that emphasize that it works. Some resources even give techniques and tips on how prayer can be more effective. Some say you need to have enough faith or believe your prayer is answered before it happens, then you will manifest it! However, this doesn’t reflect my own experiences. My family and I have prayed many times for things that have not happened, such as praying for the healing of family members who later died of cancer. What do you do with that? Did we not have enough faith? Some would say yes. But I don’t agree with that.

Sometimes prayer doesn't work the way we want it to. Often, our circumstances don't change—in fact, they may get worse.

The fact of the matter is, sometimes prayer doesn't work the way we want it to. Often, our circumstances don’t change—in fact, they may get worse. I have a lot of clients who don’t practice prayer for this exact reason. If their prayers worked the way they wanted, they probably wouldn’t be sitting in front of a counselor!

I do believe in miracles, and we see in scripture where God does miraculous things in response to prayer. I think that still does happen, but it all depends on the will of God. However, I feel like we are missing out on what prayer has to offer — on what God really has to offer — if we only focus on supplication, that is, asking God for things to change.

Spiritual Bypassing
One of the things I do as a pastoral counselor is train other pastors and lay leaders in the areas of pastoral care and mental health first aid. I’ve had the chance to help develop a special curriculum through my association (ACPE) called the Pastoral Care Specialist training program. One of the principles we discuss, is that of spiritual bypassing. What is spiritual bypassing? According to an article by Kendra Cherry:

“Spiritual bypassing describes a tendency to use spiritual explanations to avoid complex psychological issues. The term was first coined during the early 1980s by a transpersonal psychotherapist named John Welwood… According to Welwood, spiritual bypassing can be defined as a ‘tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.’”

So what does that mean? It’s when we try and use our faith to escape reality, to avoid responsibility, or to avoid facts that we don’t want to face. What are examples of this? If you say or hear these phrases, they might be examples of spiritual bypassing:

"Everything happens for a reason."
“Don’t be sad, they are in a better place.”
"It was for the best."
"It was a blessing in disguise."
“Thoughts and prayers!”

Spiritual bypassing attempts to bypass what really needs to be addressed. People use their faith to hide. They repress their genuine emotions or even the emotions of other people. They don’t allow others to really grieve and process what is going on in their heart.

Prayer is not meant to help us escape reality — prayer is meant to equip us and enable us to fully engage with reality.

People can even use prayer to spiritually bypass. They pray for big results from God while not allowing God to work within and through them. They avoid their own responsibility in the matter and pass the buck on to God. Here’s the thing: prayer is not meant to help us escape reality — prayer is meant to equip us and enable us to fully engage with reality

What Prayers Does

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” — James 1:5

Here James says to use prayer to ask God for wisdom. Why wisdom? So we know what to do. The Epistle of James has a lot of practical wisdom in it. Throughout, the writer is advocating for more than just words, faith, and hoping for the best. He is challenging the reader to ask God for wisdom then do what it takes to carry it out. There’s a saying that is often attributed to St. Ignatius (though it’s doubtful that he said these exact words), but it states: “Pray as if it’s all up to God and work as if it’s all up to you."

Prayer Changes Us Individually
“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God. It changes me.” — C.S. Lewis

Prayer imparts wisdom, peace, and strength to do what we need to do. It helps us endure difficult times. But doesn’t God already know what we need? Yes. It reminds me of a scene from The Chronicles of Narnia. Author and Conference Speaker, Christin Ditchfield describes it this way:

“In C.S. Lewis’s novel The Magician’s Nephew – the prequel to The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe – the Great Lion Aslan sends Polly and Digory and their flying horse Fledge off on an important quest across the land of Narnia. But when night falls and they still haven’t reached their destination, the children grow hungry – and realize they have nothing to eat. “Polly and Digory stared at each other in dismay. ‘Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,’ said Digory. ‘I’m sure Aslan would have, if you’d asked him,’ said Fledge. ‘Wouldn’t he know without being asked?’ said Polly. ‘I’ve no doubt he would,’ said the Horse, (still with his mouth full [of grass]). ‘But I’ve a sort of idea he likes to be asked.’”

Ditchfield goes on to remind us that: “In Matthew 6:8, Jesus assured His disciples, ‘Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.” But then He went on to give them instructions on how to pray.’” Yes, God knows everything we need, but He still wants to talk with us because He loves us.

Prayer Changes Us Corporately
Prayer not only connects us with God, it connects us with one another. With the growth of social media, talk about prayer has also increased online, to the point that Facebook is currently testing a new prayer feature:

"A Facebook spokesperson confirmed to Religion News Service that the social media platform currently is testing the prayer post feature. The idea for prayer posts grew out of the myriad of ways users have connected over Facebook while distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic, according to the spokesperson.“Our mission to give people the power to build community extends to the world’s largest community — the faith community,” said Nona Jones, head of Global Faith Partnerships at Facebook."

Intercessory prayer (which is praying for others), helps us build empathy for other people. It helps us get out of our own head, our own problems, and connects us with others. Intercessory prayer helps us see the bigger picture. It helps us realize we are all connected and that we aren’t alone. However, we want intercessory prayer to be more than just giving our “thoughts and prayers” when disaster occurs (that would be spiritual bypassing).

What does this look like? If it’s a friend we are praying for, maybe it’s offering to bring over a meal or setting aside time to allow them to talk to us over coffee to share what’s on their heart. If it’s a bigger event we are praying about, like praying during the aftermath of a mass shooting or a big issue like the fight for racial equality, it means praying with our feet and not just on our knees. It means getting involved in change in a very real way.

Prayer is more than asking for things. It’s more than asking God to change our circumstance. It’s not meant to disengage us from reality, but calls us to actually engage with reality. Yes, prayer changes things, but it primarily changes us. Connecting with God and others through prayer gives us the inner strength, resolve, and inspiration needed to bring about change and God’s will in the world.

Yes, prayer changes things, but it primarily changes us. Connecting with God and others through prayer gives us the inner strength, resolve, and inspiration needed to bring about change and God’s will in the world.

Developing a Richer Prayer Life

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." — Philippians 4:6-7

Rather than worrying, Paul says to share your problems with God. My grandmother taught Sunday School and Children’s Church for over 50 years. She not only taught children stories from the Bible, but also taught them to pray. She would always ask for prayer requests from the kids, and always made a point to say that: “If it’s important to you, then it’s important to God.”

That always stuck with me — because it’s true. It’s easy to view God as distant and detached when the opposite is true. God is here with us, within us, and cares deeply about us. 1 Peter 5:7 says: "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

Be Honest When You Pray
I encourage clients to be raw, real, and authentic with God. Tell God how upset you are — be angry — God can take it. Need proof? Look at the Psalms. They are full of prayers that aren’t nice, neat, and polished. They include the full range of emotions. Some psalms are filled with sorrow (which we call lamentations). Other psalms are angry at God and demand Him to do something. There is no sinful emotion. God accepts all of it.

Write Your Prayers
I encourage people to write their prayers out — to journal all that they are feeling. Some describe wrestling with God through the process. James Pennebaker, a social psychologist and researcher, pioneered what is known as the expressive writing method, which is an intervention that has shown to improve the mental and emotional health of participants. The research done by Pennebaker has shown that writing about one's own story can help with coping and processing memories. This simple exercise can definitely be combined with prayer journaling.

Pray with Thanksgiving
In this passage, Paul says: “In every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” So, when you pray, don’t just ask for what you need, take time to be thankful for what you do have. Why? Reminding ourselves of how God has been faithful in the past helps us trust Him in the present. John Wesley, the founder of Methodism said: “Thanksgiving is inseparable from true prayer; it is almost essentially connected with it.” Taking time to be conscious of what one has — to show gratitude — has been shown in various studies to increase overall happiness.

Pray for Others and with Others
Take time to pray for other people — really do it. Just scan through Facebook and I bet you’ll see at least one of your friends asking for prayer. Commit to praying for them and their situation. Also follow up with them. You’ll be surprised at how much it might help you move past your own anxiety by consciously attending to someone else’s needs.

Finally, pray with other people. There’s something incredibly intimate about praying with your loved ones. Especially when people are being real with one another and pray with each other.
There’s incredible power when you feel other people praying for you — so give that gift to others.

Prayer is more than just asking for what we need. God knows what we need, but he still wants us to talk to Him. Prayer is not about avoiding responsibility and it doesn’t help us escape reality. Prayer helps us engage with reality, to cope, and to endure — to grow in wisdom and find the strength to do the right thing and ultimately fulfill our calling.

Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

Tres Adames provides Christian counseling in Phoenix, Arizona for adults, teens, couples, and families. He specializes in helping those struggling with personal and relationship issues. To learn more about Tres and the services he offers, see his profile page.

What is Your Parenting Style?

12/27/2019

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by Brooks Gibson, MEd

Do you know your parenting style? If not, you could be reinforcing behaviors in your children that you don’t like and may want to eliminate.

Developmental psychologists have been interested in how parents influence the development of children’s social, cognitive, and behavioral competence since before the Great Depression. Researchers studying the parent-child relationship have examined the parents' “parenting style” and its effect on children as they grow into adults. Diana Baumrind and others have spent decades studying these relationships and the effect of parenting style on many areas of child development and competency.

Parenting Style Defined

To be sure, there are some specific parental behaviors that can have a definite impact on children, such as disciplining them in anger or rage, spanking, or reading to them every day and teaching them the alphabet and basic math. But to evaluate the impact parents have on childrearing, we must examine the whole relationship parents have with their children across all events over time. How parents interact with their children, respond to their needs, impose expectations, guide and teach them from infancy through adolescence, is all inclusive in determining how parenting styles affect our children’s development.

To evaluate the impact parents have on childrearing, we must examine the whole relationship parents have with their children across all events over time.

Most researchers who attempt to describe this broad parental milieu rely on Diana Baumrind’s concept of parenting style. The construct of parenting style is used to capture normal variations in parents’ attempts to control and socialize their children (Baumrind, 1991). Baumrind’s parenting styles define non-abusive styles and are not intended to include or describe parental behavior that includes abuse or neglect. Parenting style includes parents using two central forces to achieve these goals, referred to as “responsiveness” and “demandingness” (Maccoby & Martin, 1983).

Responsiveness from a parent occurs when the parent is attentive to the child’s special needs, using warmth, support or encouragement. The parent demonstrates a concern for the child’s emotional needs, personal opinions, and their internal well-being.
Demandingness from a parent is focused on the child’s behavior and imposing expectations, discipline, and rules for participation in the family, as well as self-control and dealing with disobedience.

Four Parenting Styles

Categorizing parents according to whether they are high or low on parental demandingness and responsiveness creates a typology of four parenting styles: Indulgent, Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Uninvolved (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Each of these parenting styles reflects different naturally occurring patterns of parental values, practices, and behaviors (Baumrind, 1991) and a distinct balance of responsiveness and demandingness.

Indulgent parents (also referred to as “permissive” or “nondirective”) “are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation” (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). Indulgent parents may be further divided into two types: democratic parents, who, though lenient, are more conscientious, engaged, and committed to the child, and nondirective parents.
Authoritarian parents are highly demanding, directive and autocratic, but not responsive. “They are obedience and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation” (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). These parents provide well-ordered and structured environments with clearly stated rules. Authoritarian parents can be divided into two types: nonauthoritarian-directive, who are directive, but not intrusive or autocratic in their use of power, and authoritarian-directive, who are highly intrusive and autocratic.
Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. “They monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative” (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62).
Uninvolved parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness. In extreme cases, this parenting style might encompass both rejecting–neglecting and neglectful parents, although most parents of this type fall within the normal range. They are often distant and detached in their parenting role.

Because parenting style is a typology, rather than a linear combination of responsiveness and demandingness, each parenting style is more than and different from the sum of its parts (Baumrind, 1991). In addition to differing on responsiveness and demandingness, the parenting styles also differ in the extent to which they are characterized by a third dimension: psychological control.

Psychological control “refers to control attempts that intrude into the psychological and emotional development of the child” (Barber, 1996, p. 3296) through the use of parenting practices such as guilt induction, withdrawal of love, or shaming.

One key difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting is in the dimension of psychological control. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents place high demands on their children and expect their children to behave appropriately and obey parental rules. Authoritarian parents, however, also expect their children to accept their judgments, values, and goals without questioning. In contrast, authoritative parents are more open to give and take with their children and make greater use of explanations.

Thus, although authoritative and authoritarian parents are equally high in behavioral control, authoritative parents tend to be low in psychological control, while authoritarian parents tend to be high. Authoritative parents understand their role to include helping children to develop their own convictions, opinions, and beliefs and test them out while still under their parents' guidance.

Authoritative parents tend to be low in psychological control, while authoritarian parents tend to be high. Authoritative parents understand their role to include helping children to develop their own convictions, opinions, and beliefs and test them out while still under their parents' guidance.

Consequences for Children

Parenting style has been found to predict child wellbeing in the domains of social competence, academic performance, psychosocial development, and problem behavior. Research based on parent interviews, child reports, and parent observations consistently find:

Children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative rate themselves and are rated by objective measures as more socially and instrumentally competent than those whose parents are nonauthoritative (Baumrind, 1991; Weiss & Schwarz, 1996; Miller et al., 1993).
- Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.

In general, parental responsiveness predicts social competence and psychosocial functioning, while parental demandingness is associated with instrumental competence and behavioral control (i.e., academic performance and deviance). These findings indicate:

Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in demandingness, but low in responsiveness) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.
Children and adolescents from indulgent homes (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.

In reviewing the research, children with an authoritative upbringing are associated with both instrumental and social competence and lower levels of problem behavior in both boys and girls at all developmental stages. The benefits of authoritative parenting and the detrimental effects of uninvolved parenting are evident as early as the preschool years and continue throughout adolescence and into early adulthood. Although specific differences can be found in the competence evidenced by each group, the largest differences are found between children whose parents are unengaged and their peers with more involved parents.

The benefits of authoritative parenting and the detrimental effects of uninvolved parenting are evident as early as the preschool years and continue throughout adolescence and into early adulthood.

Differences between children from authoritative homes and their peers are equally consistent, but somewhat smaller (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996). Just as authoritative parents appear to be able to balance their conformity demands with their respect for their children’s individuality, so children from authoritative homes appear to be able to balance the claims of external conformity and achievement demands with their need for individuation and autonomy.

Influence of Sex, Ethnicity, or Family Type

It is important to distinguish between differences in the distribution and the correlates of parenting style in different subpopulations. Although in the United States authoritative parenting is most common among intact, middle-class families of European descent, the relationship between authoritativeness and child outcomes is quite similar across groups.

There are some exceptions to this general statement, however: (1)demandingness appears to be less critical to girls’ than to boys’ well-being (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996), but (2) authoritative parenting predicts good psychosocial outcomes and problem behaviors for adolescents in all ethnic groups studied (African-, Asian-, European-, and Hispanic Americans), but it is associated with academic performance only among European Americans and, to a lesser extent, Hispanic Americans (Steinberg, Dornbusch, & Brown, 1992; Steinberg, Darling, & Fletcher, 1995). Chao (1994) and others (Darling & Steinberg, 1993) have argued that observed ethnic differences in the association of parenting style with child outcomes may be due to differences in social context, parenting practices, or the cultural meaning of specific dimensions of parenting style.

Summary

Parenting style provides a strong indicator of parental functioning that predicts child well-being. Both parental responsiveness and parental demandingness are important components of good parenting. Authoritative parenting, which uses clear, high parental demands with emotional responsiveness and recognition of child autonomy, is one of the most consistent family predictors of competence from early childhood through adolescence.

However, despite the long and robust tradition of research into parenting style, a number of issues remain outstanding. Foremost among these are issues of definition, developmental change in the manifestation and correlates of parenting styles, and the processes underlying the benefits of authoritative parenting (see Schwarz et al., 1985; Darling & Steinberg, 1993; Baumrind, 1991; and Barber, 1996).

Brooks Gibson, MEd

Brooks Gibson is a Master's-level Pastoral Counselor who has over 30 years of experience working with children, adolescents, adults, couples and families. He provides counseling at his office in Peoria as well as online.

Meet Brooks

Endnotes

Barber, B. K. (1996). Parental Psychological Control: Revisiting a Neglected Construct. Child Development, 67(6), 3296-3319.
Baumrind, D. (1989). Rearing Competent Children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child Development Today and Tomorrow (pp. 349-378). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
Baumrind, D. (1991). The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Competence and Substance Use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.
Chao, R. K. (1994). Beyond Parental Control and Authoritarian Parenting Style: Understanding Chinese Parenting through the Cultural Notion of Training. Child Development, 65(4), 1111-1119.
Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting Style as Context: An Integrative Model. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3), 487-496.
Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the Context of the Family: Parent-Child Interaction. In P. H. Mussen (Ed.) & E. M. Hetherington (Vol. Ed.), Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4.Socialization, Personality, and Social Development (4th ed., pp. 1-101). New York: Wiley.
Miller, N. B., Cowan, P. A., Cowan, C. P., & Hetherington, E. M. (1993). Externalizing in Preschoolers and Early Adolescents: A Cross-study Replication of a Family Model. Developmental Psychology, 29(1), 3-18.
Schwarz, J. C., Barton-Henry, M. L., & Pruzinsky, T. (1985). Assessing Child-rearing Behaviors: A Comparison of Ratings Made by Mother, Father, Child, and Sibling on the CRPBI. Child Development, 56(2), 462-479.
Steinberg, L., Darling, N., & Fletcher, A. C. (1995). Authoritative Parenting and Adolescent Adjustment: An Ecological Journey. In P. Moen, G. H. Elder, Jr., & K. Luscher (Eds.), Examining Lives in Context: Perspectives on the Ecology of Human Development (pp. 423-466). Washington, DC: American Psychological Assn.
Steinberg, L., Dornbusch, S. M., & Brown, B. B. (1992). Ethnic Differences in Adolescent Achievement: An Ecological Perspective. American Psychologist, 47(6), 723-729.
Weiss, L. H., & Schwarz, J. C. (1996). The Relationship Between Parenting Types and Older Adolescents’ Personality, Academic Achievement, Adjustment, and Substance Use. Child Development, 67(5), 2101-2114.

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Why You Should Stop Trying to Fix Other People's Problems

10/29/2018

by Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

A friend you've known for years comes to you for help. They are desperate, emotional, and ask you to intervene. Maybe it's a problem with their partner, a habit they are trying to kick, or a struggle with anxiety or depression. You care about your friend, so of course you want to help. But before you jump in, it might be time to step on the brakes.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to support your friend, but make sure you don't get in over your head. There is a difference between helping your friend versus taking on their problem. This is hard especially for empathetic people. We want to pitch in and help out. Yet it creates more problems if we don't approach it the right way.

Aren't We Supposed to Help Others?
Those I work with in counseling will point to the Bible, mentioning that we should help other people. This is true—we are supposed to care about others and help them, but only when they cannot help themselves. The Bible not only stresses the importance of helping others, but also emphasizes the importance of taking personal responsibility. According to the words of the Apostle Paul:

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load" (Galatians 6:1-5, NIV).

What is Paul saying here? He encourages the Galatians to "carry each others's burdens" but also that "each one should carry their own load." How is this possible? Aren't they the same thing? Not necessarily. In their book, Boundaries, Henry Cloud and John Townsend shed some light on the difference between a load and a burden:

"The Greek word for burden means 'excess burdens,' or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down. These burdens are like boulders. They can crush us. We shouldn’t be expected to carry a boulder by ourselves! It would break our backs. We need help with the boulders — those times of crisis and tragedy in our lives. In contrast, the Greek word for load means 'cargo,' or 'the burden of daily toil.' This word describes the everyday things we all need to do. These loads are like knapsacks. Knapsacks are possible to carry. We are expected to carry our own" (Cloud & Townsend, 2017).

We can help and be supportive, but we are not called to fix other people's problems or take responsibility for them. Paul is emphasizing the need for love and personal responsibility. In order to learn how to do this, let's dive deeper and explore this from the world of family systems theory.

Don't Get Triangled!
One of the most impactful books on relationships in the field of pastoral counseling is Generation to Generation by Edwin Friedman. In the book, Friedman describes what is known as an emotional triangle. According to Friedman:

“The basic law of emotional triangles is that when any two parts of a system [this could be a family, a work environment, or a circle of friends] become uncomfortable with one another, they will ‘triangle in’ or focus upon a third person, or issue, as a way of stabilizing their own relationship with one another” (Friedman, 1985).

Often, a third person is pulled into a triangle when two people in a relationship are in conflict with one another. To stabilize the relationship, another person is asked to help or may even be pulled into the situation by one or both people in the relationship. Sometimes the third person may intervene or “triangle” themselves into the unstable relationship out of desire to help.

An example of an emotional triangle would be: 1) An adult man who is estranged from his adult brother 2) The brother 3) The parent who is asked to intervene or communicate on behalf of both. A part of an emotional triangle can also be a problem, such as an addictive habit or dysfunction. An example of a triangle involving a problem would be: 1) A person struggling with substance abuse 2) The substance abuse itself 3) An enabling partner. Let's take a look at this visually:

Here you see the relationship between you and your friend indicated by a straight line. Your friend's struggling relationship with the other person (or problem) is represented by a jagged line. Notice that a broken line connects the third side of the triangle. Why? This is to indicate that there typically exists no control or real influence between you and the other person's relationship or problem.

When any relationship is stuck, it is likely because a third person or issue has been interjected into the relationship. If you are the third wheel being introduced, the fact of the matter is that you have very little control over the outcome. If you try to fix the problem, you will only absorb the anxiety and stress from the whole situation. Sometimes, interfering can even produce the opposite effect. Attempting to reconcile two sparring partners may make them more distant or hostile.

So what's the takeaway? Don't get triangled! Don't allow yourself to be put in the middle of the situation. So how can you help your friend who comes to you for support? Let's talk about a few healthy and more effective ways to influence change.

5 Effective Ways to be Supportive
1. Improve your relationship with both sides--Friedman notes that “We can only change the relationship to which we belong. Therefore, the way to bring change to the relationship of two others (and no one said it is easy) is to try to maintain a well-defined relationship with each, and to avoid the responsibility for their relationship with one another” (Friedman, 1985). Seek to be mature and get along with both sides. This might mean giving the benefit of the doubt to both persons in a conflicted relationship. If it concerns a friend struggling with addiction, work on your relationship with your friend and also work on your relationship with addiction itself—that is, learn more about addiction and how it works so you are more educated on how to respond.

2. Focus on the person, not the problem—Rather than getting caught up in solving the problem, encourage your friend's ability to take responsibility for it on their own. When the conversation drifts toward venting about the other person or problem, bring the focus of the discussion back to your friend. Ask how they are feeling and what's going on inside.

3. Ask questions, don't give answers—If your friend is insistent on talking about the problem, don't offer any solutions. Simply ask questions about how they plan to tackle the issue. This encourages them to strategize on their own rather than depending on you to solve their problem.

4. Be kind, but firm—Set boundaries with your friend as needed. If they keep calling or texting you, let them gently know that you aren't always available. Suggest other sources of support. Consider referring them to a local Christian counselor who specializes in the issue they are facing.

5. Remain self differentiated—Take care of yourself and acknowledge that this is not your problem—thankfully! Remain grounded, present, and non-anxious while still remaining connected as appropriate. Encourage them to seek God for wisdom. Offer to pray for them instead of being the only one they vent to. Besides, God wants us to talk to Him. May this be the situation that draws them closer to Him.

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Works Cited

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (2017) Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
Friedman, Edwin H. (1985) Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue. New York, NY: Guiliford Press.

Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC provides Christian counseling in Peoria, Arizona for adults, teens, couples, and families. He specializes in helping those struggling with depression, anxiety, self-esteem, anger, addiction, codependency, and relationship issues. If you would like to contact Tres or set up an appointment, visit his contact page.

3 Practical Ways to Relieve Stress Right Now

7/12/2018

Being a workaholic is one of the few addictions openly accepted (and even encouraged) by our culture. If you're feeling pressured, and it's having a negative impact on you emotionally, it might be time to step back and reevaluate your priorities. Here are some practical stategies you can implement in your life so you can find relief:

1. Schedule regular down time.
Work is meant to be performed in rhythm with rest. Just as your body needs rest to recover each day, your emotional and relational life needs downtime as well. While the Sabbath is not rigorously prescribed in the New Testament, its principle and benefit still apply. According to Jesus:

"The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath" (Mark 2:27).

It is to your benefit that you find time to rest. Being obsessed with success and overworking in one area of your life will take away success from other areas of your life. Look over your calendar and set aside a whole day where you can rest and relax. Don't check your email and don't make business calls that day.

During the rest of the week, also set aside a few hours at the end of each day where you can recharge. Don't fill your downtime with watching television or browsing the net. Rekindle a hobby you were passionate about as a child, or discover a new one. Set aside time to read your bible, pray, meditate, and reflect.

2. Uncommit yourself.
But what if you don't have the time to schedule a day off or have extra time to recharge? Well maybe it's time to look over your calendar and let go of certain commitments that have been filling up your schedule. I always suggest trying to come up up with five things you can delete from your weekly agenda. A good place to start is identifying commitments that are strictly voluntary and aren't required. Maybe it's too many church volunteer opportunities, or an extra work project you've taken on. I've attached a worksheet at the end of this article that can help you journal your thoughts and process any emotions that may hinder you from letting go.

3. Set boundaries.
Stress doesn't just emerge from the amount of activiy one is doing, but also from getting entangled in other people's problems. Be careful when other people come to you to discuss their personal or work issues. While it's feels admirable to be supportive, the best thing you can do is encourage the person in their own ability to handle the problem. In Scripture, the Apostle Paul tells the Galatians to "carry each other's burdens" (6:2) but also that "each one should carry their own load" (6:5). There has to be a balance where you are willing to listen and help others, but also encourage them to own their personal issues—without taking responsibility for problems that are not your own.

Investigate your life to see if there are other people who are leaning on you too much and are draining your emotional resources. Learn to set boundaries and don't be afraid to say "no," even when it's hard. In every decision, you have to say "no" to one thing in order to say "yes" to another. Do what is best for you, your family, and your relationship with God before taking on the world.

Below is a printable worksheet, what I call an "Uncommitment Form" that guides you through the process of letting go of unnecessary commitments so you can be more successful in other areas of your life: