by Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC
How pastors, families, and churches can be there for those who are deconstructing
In the summer of last year, well-known evangelical pastor, David Jeremiah, declared that those leaving evangelicalism (termed "Exvangelicals") could be an indication of the beginning of the end times. While this was merely speculative, and might have intended to help current believers feel better about what they were seeing, this approach does little to build empathy with those who have already felt hurt by the church. The posture of a Christian (especially pastors) should be one of compassion and understanding, not othering (especially demonizing) those who think differently than we do. It also seems counter to the evangelical message itself. We should pursue and love others, especially when they have genuine questions around God, faith, and their purpose and direction in life.
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As a pastoral counselor, I have been working for several years with clients who have deconstructed their faith. I have personally deconstructed and reconstructed my theology many times, so the process doesn't scare me — I'm ready to go there with clients. Meanwhile, I know that many churches and pastors are trying to figure out how to respond to those in their congregations undergoing deconstruction. They don't want to demonize other people, but have a real heart for those who are hurting and seeking answers. From my own experience, here are a few things to understand and consider if you are working with someone who is deconstructing:
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Many people who are experiencing a deconstruction of their faith don't even want to deconstruct. |
1. Many people who are experiencing a deconstruction of their faith don't even want to deconstruct. Questioning one's faith can be an emotionally exhaustive process that may lead a person to a place where they feel like they may lose their church, their family, and their friends. There's a lot on the line so try to be sensitive to this. Many have previously been ardent believers, faithful givers, and actively involved in their local church.
2. If someone is honest with you about their doubts, view it as an act of bravery.
Many people who are deconstructing are afraid of being rejected by people who have been close to them for years. Many are afraid of simply being labeled a "backslider." Even if they don't experience this reaction, they still may not be completely comfortable with spiritual conversations if they feel like they might be misunderstood. Try to listen more than you speak.
Many people who are deconstructing are afraid of being rejected by people who have been close to them for years. Many are afraid of simply being labeled a "backslider." Even if they don't experience this reaction, they still may not be completely comfortable with spiritual conversations if they feel like they might be misunderstood. Try to listen more than you speak.
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3. Understand that people land in different places.
Not everyone who deconstructs gives up on faith altogether. Some change churches or denominations. Others might even opt to stay in their current community but adjust their personal beliefs. Others choose to identify as "spiritual-but-not-religious." Some might choose to become agnostic or even atheist, but others might not choose a label at all. Spirituality is a process, so it's important not to judge someone in the middle of their unfolding story. |
Spirituality is a process, so it's important not to judge someone in the middle of their unfolding story. |
4. Don't push them into reconstruction.
While deconstruction can be a precursor toward the reconstruction of a deeper, more vibrant faith, the process is so incredibly unique to each person. It's tempting to suggest that they should "still focus on Jesus" or not "throw out the baby with the bath water," but some people may need to go through a season where they step away from faith altogether, especially if they have trauma around religion or if they experienced abuse in the church. Such tragedy can deeply affect a person's perception and experience of God, so they may need to distance themselves so they can disentangle and heal.
While deconstruction can be a precursor toward the reconstruction of a deeper, more vibrant faith, the process is so incredibly unique to each person. It's tempting to suggest that they should "still focus on Jesus" or not "throw out the baby with the bath water," but some people may need to go through a season where they step away from faith altogether, especially if they have trauma around religion or if they experienced abuse in the church. Such tragedy can deeply affect a person's perception and experience of God, so they may need to distance themselves so they can disentangle and heal.
Even if you are concerned that the person is going down the wrong path, remember that it's the Holy Spirit who saves, not you. |
5. Love no matter what.
Seek to fulfill Jesus' second greatest commandment — if you love God, love others. Many approaches to evangelism focus on using relationships to lead people to Christ. Yet, it's important to realize that this is a completely different situation. Don't just use the relationship to evangelize. Many of those who are deconstructing understand the gospel quite well and can articulate it by heart. Besides, no one wants to just be someone else's "project." We all desire to have authentic connection and validation by others. Simply love and let go of the outcome. Even if you are concerned that the person is going down the wrong path, remember that it's the Holy Spirit who saves, not you. Your only call is to love and be Christ to other people. |
6. Do your own introspection as a leader and as a church.
None of this means that you have to deconstruct yourself. If it's distressing to talk to someone who is deconstructing, it might be time to work on yourself. Asking yourself (and your church) some hard questions can be incredibly valuable. I've listed some ideas below. These questions are less about finding concrete answers and more about what you discover as a result of having these conversations:
None of this means that you have to deconstruct yourself. If it's distressing to talk to someone who is deconstructing, it might be time to work on yourself. Asking yourself (and your church) some hard questions can be incredibly valuable. I've listed some ideas below. These questions are less about finding concrete answers and more about what you discover as a result of having these conversations:
- Is it possible for someone to be a part of our church who holds differing beliefs than that of the official doctrines of our church and/or denomination? Is so, how? If not, why?
- How can our church be a place where people can wrestle with authentic spiritual questions and raw emotions without facing negative consequences (such being viewed with suspicion, treated differently, or even asked to leave)?
- If spirituality is a process, what does that mean? What does it look like?
- How has my own faith changed during the past 5 years? 10 years? What challenges have I faced that rocked my faith? What did I learn and how did I process through that?
- Who can I go to when I have my own questions (or even doubts) about my faith? Do I feel safe asking those questions with certain people? Are there some people I don't feel safe having those conversations with?
- Does someone else's deconstruction threaten my own faith? If so, why does it bother me so much?
- Can I be someone's friend without turning them into a "project" to fix, but genuinely be their friend regardless of what they end up believing? What makes it hard for me?
- Do other people who love me disagree with some things that I believe? Is that okay?
About Tres Adames
Rev. Tres Adames is a Board Certified Pastoral Counselor and provides resources on the subject of deconstruction in the following areas:
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New Course on Deconstruction for Counselors and Therapists
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We have recently created a new course (primarily for counselors and pastors) on this important topic. This new training supports and upholds the personal faith and perspective of the faith-based counselor, but offers insight for working with people who hold beliefs different from your own. This course is meant to help people who are deconstructing receive care that is person-centered, ethical, sensitive, and trauma-informed.
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