I’ve counseled a lot of pastors over the years, which is a privilege, but can also be heartbreaking. Pastors are human, and they struggle with the same pressures that everyone does. Yet there can be an unspoken expectation that pastors have to be perfect.

1 Timothy 3:2 indicates that a leader should be “above reproach” and “must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation.” Paul sets the standard high, and we are wise to follow his instruction, but we tend to drain all grace out of these guidelines. Apart from Christ, the New Testament doesn’t present spiritual leaders as flawless, even after they receive the Holy Spirit. Paul lost his temper and got into a disagreement with Barnabas that became so intense that they split ways (Acts 15:36-41). Peter turned away from those who needed the gospel in order to appease the in-crowd (Galatians 2:11-14). External pressure proved to be too much and they caved in. These examples are not an excuse for sin, but we need to be aware of external pressure so that we don’t give into internal temptation. With all of the pressure to perform, some pastors succumb to stress, burnout, and even scandal.

by Rev. Tres Adames, MDiv, BCPC

​How pastors, families, and churches can be there for those who are deconstructing

In the summer of last year, well-known evangelical pastor, David Jeremiah, declared that those leaving evangelicalism (termed "Exvangelicals") could be an indication of the beginning of the end times. While this was merely speculative, and might have intended to help current believers feel better about what they were seeing, this approach does little to build empathy with those who have already felt hurt by the church. The posture of a Christian (especially pastors) should be one of compassion and understanding, not othering (especially demonizing) those who think differently than we do. It also seems counter to the evangelical message itself. We should pursue and love others, especially when they have genuine questions around God, faith, and their purpose and direction in life.

1. Many people who are experiencing a deconstruction of their faith don't even want to deconstruct. Questioning one's faith can be an emotionally exhaustive process that may lead a person to a place where they feel like they may lose their church, their family, and their friends. There's a lot on the line so try to be sensitive to this. Many have previously been ardent believers, faithful givers, and actively involved in their local church.

2. If someone is honest with you about their doubts, view it as an act of bravery. 
​Many people who are deconstructing are afraid of being rejected by people who have been close to them for years. Many are afraid of simply being labeled a "backslider." Even if they don't experience this reaction, they still may not be completely comfortable with spiritual conversations if they feel like they might be misunderstood. Try to listen more than you speak.

4. Don't push them into reconstruction.
​While deconstruction can be a precursor toward the reconstruction of a deeper, more vibrant faith, the process is so incredibly unique to each person. It's tempting to suggest that they should "still focus on Jesus" or not "throw out the baby with the bath water," but some people may need to go through a season where they step away from faith altogether, especially if they have trauma around religion or if they experienced abuse in the church. Such tragedy can deeply affect a person's perception and experience of God, so they may need to distance themselves so they can disentangle and heal.

6. Do your own introspection as a leader and as a church.
None of this means that you have to deconstruct yourself. If it's distressing to talk to someone who is deconstructing, it might be time to work on yourself. Asking yourself (and your church) some hard questions can be incredibly valuable. I've listed some ideas below. These questions are less about finding concrete answers and more about what you discover as a result of having these conversations:

• Is it possible for someone to be a part of our church who holds differing beliefs than that of the official doctrines of our church and/or denomination?  If so, how? If not, why?
• How can our church be a place where people can wrestle with authentic spiritual questions and raw emotions without facing negative consequences (such being viewed with suspicion, treated differently, or even asked to leave)? 
• If spirituality is a process, what does that mean? What does it look like?
• How has my own faith changed during the past 5 years? 10 years? What challenges have I faced that rocked my faith? What did I learn and how did I process through that?
• Who can I go to when I have my own questions (or even doubts) about my faith? Do I feel safe asking those questions with certain people? Are there some people I don't feel safe having those conversations with?
• Does someone else's deconstruction threaten my own faith? If so, why does it bother me so much?
• Can I be someone's friend without turning them into a "project" to fix, but genuinely be their friend regardless of what they end up believing? What makes it hard for me?
• Do other people who love me disagree with some things that I believe? Is that okay?

Rev. Tres Adames is a Board Certified Pastoral Counselor and provides resources on the subject of deconstruction in the following areas:

A short explanation of the term

It's important to learn to recognize abuse and manipulation. There's a type of manipulation called gaslighting, a term that comes from a 1944 film called Gaslight,* starting Ingrid Bergman. It's about a woman who is manipulated by her husband into believing that she is going crazy.

We come to find out the husband is actually just using the marriage in order to find something valuable that belongs to her. She believes she's going crazy because what happened in those days was if you turned on a light in one room, it would dim all the other lights throughout the house (because there was only a certain amount of gas that could light the whole house).

​As a result, you would know someone else was in the house or in another room, turning on the light, if you saw the lights flicker. And so she noticed that the lights would flicker every night after her husband had gone away somewhere, (supposedly to see friends or whatnot). He was actually rifling through the attic but he convinces her that he is imagining what she is clearly seeing (the gaslight flicker). When in reality, she knows better, but she believes him anyway.

That’s what it means to gaslight somebody — to convince them to deny what they know to be true. Gaslighting from an abuser makes a victim doubt their own instincts and sense of reality.

* The 1944 film is the American version of the original 1940 British film, which in turn is based on the theatrical play. We reference and feature the 1944 film since it is more well-known among American audiences.